Il giudice sul mulo Periodico perenne di linguaggi letterari.

lunedì 29 settembre 2008

Racconto Nero (Racconto Bianco)

di Ezechiele Lupo

Da bambino mi piacevano gli astucci multistrato. Quelli in cui ogni matita, ogni penna, ogni pennarello, e poi il temperino, la gomma, anzi le gomme, avevano il loro alloggiamento: un anello di elastico e stoffa che teneva tutto fermo, tutto al suo posto.
Poi alle medie, ma forse già in quinta elementare, ho cominciato ad usare astucci a busta: tutto diventò più confuso e disordinato. Al ginnasio usavo una piccola scatola di latta, grigio metallizzato, che conteneva una penna, una matita e una gomma. In prima, seconda e terza liceo non avevo niente; chiedevo in prestito tutto e perdevo tutto, quasi quotidianamente. Cosa vorrà dire? Che il disordine porta al nulla? Ma allora anche l'ordine conduce al disordine. Che porta al nulla. E dal nulla rinasce l'ordine. Insomma l'evoluzione di un astuccio può rappresentare una weltanschauung? Sì penso di sì.
Ora è tutto disordine.
Un giorno provo a prendere tutte le penne, le matite e i pennarelli che trovo sulla scrivania, nei barattoli, nei cassetti, sopra il comodino (escludo le matite per gli occhi di mia moglie) e cerco di catalogare. Ma non mi decido quale dev'essere la discriminante e lascio stare: tutta quella fatica a rintracciare tutte quelle matite, quelle penne, quei pennarelli. Un altro giorno apro un cassetto e vedo una vecchia scatola di pastelli a cera; la apro e appare uno spettacolo bellissimo: ogni spazio è occupato da un pastello, tutti i pastelli sono della stessa altezza e da sinistra a destra sono ordinati per progressive gradazioni di colore. Rimango affascinato da quella perfezione, dall'armonia e dalla bellezza. Quanti anni erano che qualcosa di mio non era così ordinato, ed equilibrato.
Erano sei anni che non scrivevo una lettera a mio fratello.
Decisi di andare da una psicologa.
Il mio medico curante aveva appena affittato una stanza del suo grande studio ad una psicologa: la dott.ssa B****. Un giorno, sarà stato aprile, andai a farmi prescrivere un antibiotico e vidi questa nuova targhetta sulla porta d'ingresso. Due studi quindi, ma una sola sala d'aspetto. Mi vergognavo e divertivo molto a pensare quali tra questi pazienti che attendevano, come me, il loro turno, fossero in realtà dei picchiatelli, e quali invece, come me, fossero sani: almeno di mente. Mi divertivo e mi vergognavo, sì: perché anche gli altri avrebbero potuto pensare di me le stesse cose. Anche loro avrebbero potuto fare illazioni riguardo la mia salute mentale, anche loro avrebbero potuto pensare: "ah… quello lì si vede che sta male, poveretto…". Ecco perché ogni volta che andavo dal mio medico mi preoccupavo di essere sempre in ordine. La preparazione iniziava dalle scarpe: ogni volta le pulivo e le lucidavo; ma non solo. Già perché avevo anche cura di alternarle, nel caso, alquanto remoto per la verità, avessi incontrato le stesse persone della volta precedente. Prima di uscire di casa inoltre stiravo i pantaloni, indossavo una bella camicia, e solitamente una cravatta allegra, ma non pacchiana. Poi infilavo una giacca, anche sportiva talvolta, di velluto, o di filo di scozia. Non portavo le lenti a contatto, ma mettevo gli occhiali: danno decisamente tutta un'altra aria. Pettinavo i capelli che cercavo di tenere sempre alla medesima lunghezza: esprimevano un senso di ordine, di cura, di autostima direi quasi. Eppure… eppure qualcosa andava sempre storto, c'era sempre un particolare che turbava questo ordine, questa bellezza. Le scarpe si sporcavano se pioveva, i pantaloni non tenevano la piega, il nodo della cravatta non era triangolare e sottile come piace a me, oppure avevo le mani sporche di vernice. Insomma c'era sempre qualcosa fuori posto. Ma confrontato agli altri pazienti ero di gran lunga il più ordinato. Una volta entrò un uomo sulla cinquantina, grasso, gonfio direi quasi, con la pelle cotta dal sole: indossava dei pantaloni blu di un tessuto scadente e rigido, aveva ai piedi pesanti scarpe da lavoro, e un gilet del colore e della stoffa dei pantaloni. Sotto il gilet portava una smunta maglia nera. I suoi occhi chiari significavano smarrimento quanto la camminata inferma. Quello era senza dubbio un paziente della dottoressa B****.Certo, era un caso eclatante, riconoscibile tra mille; ma ce n'erano altri che cercavano di nascondere le loro patologie, di far finta di essere sani di mente, come me. Ma io li ho scoperti tutti: tutti. Ad esempio: un pomeriggio di settembre si siede in sala d'aspetto un uomo che al massimo avrà avuto quarant'anni. Io sfoggiavo scarpe bianche di Prada, jeans Emporio Armani, camicia blu e maglioncino bianco a righe blu in stile marinaretto: impeccabile e ordinato (se escludiamo il polsino destro della camicia a cui era saltato il bottone mentre scendevo dalla macchina). L'uomo era il classico impiegato e portava dignitosissimamente un vestito grigio con camicia azzurra e cravatta regimental. All'apparenza un tipo da medico di base. Ma il tempo e il mio spirito di osservazione lo hanno tradito. Eravamo seduti entrambi da quasi quaranta minuti quando, di fronte alla mia calma tibetana, che si esprimeva stando seduto con la schiena perfettamente eretta, con le mani ordinatamente sulle cosce e lo sguardo dritto verso il muro di fronte a me (così immobile, imperturbabile, ordinato: sarebbe potuto passare un caccia bombardiere nucleare che non mi sarei mosso di un millimetro. Ordinato, sereno, sano di mente), l'uomo chiude la rivista che stava leggendo (così senza preavviso, senza un segnale premonitore), tira fuori dalla tasca il cellulare, guarda qualcosa e sbuffa: un comportamento assolutamente irrazionale, segno di un disordine mentale acuto. Perché una scena di quel tipo? Che bisogno c'era di reagire in quel modo scomposto? Io per quaranta minuti sono stato fermo immobile, ordinato: come una matita nel proprio astuccio.
L'ultima volta che sono andato dal mio medico ho avuto l'impressione che fossero tutti picchiatelli, che fossero tutti pazienti della dottoressa B****. E allora ho capito: ero l'unico sano, l'unico polo di ordine in un universo di caos.
Tutto questo disordine intorno a me mi ha convinto che anche io devo andare dalla psicologa, anche io devo fare la figura del picchiatello, come tutti gli altri. Forse lei, la psicologa, potrà farmi capire perché una volta ero sempre ordinato: ora non lo sono quasi mai, tranne quando vengo dal mio medico, entrando in un contesto in cui sono tutti malati di mente, e io l'unico sano.
Quando ero piccolo mio fratello mi ha messo in disordine tutto l'astuccio, e io ho pianto per ore, giorni, forse mesi. Poi un giorno lui è scomparso e io, da quel giorno, ho sempre avuto paura del pozzo che sta nel giardino della casa dei miei: loro, infatti, su mia richiesta lo fecero murare.

40 commenti:

Osvaldo Pescecaldo ha detto...

E' sicuro caro lei, che il suo psicologismo non sia un po' da strapazzo? Voleva fare lo Psycho dei poveri o l'Edgar Allan Pollo de noartri? Comunque il racconto non è affatto male, il talento narrativo e costruttivo indubbi. Bravo. Continui così.

e. l. ha detto...

Decisamente la schizofrenia che si manifesta attraverso l'ossessione per l'ordine è un topos utile al riuso, per non dire banalotto. Ma nasce più che altro per motivare l'iniziale attacco sugli astucci, e non il contrario. La psicanalisi poco centra direi: il personaggio è pazzo, ma con questo non lo si vuole mettere a confronto con gli altri pazienti, al fine di tirare la somma del "in fondo siamo un po' tutti schizzati". Lui è picchiatello: questo è certo. Il pozzo: simpatico. Il pozzo è sempre simpatico in un racconto, no?

Lenny Bacarozzo ha detto...

Credo che il sig. Pescecaldo centri in pieno quando, tra le righe, dice che il meglio del racconto sta sul piano formale e costruttivo e non su quello dei contenuti. Cn cordialità. Lenny

Pietro Paolo Virdis ha detto...

Una curiosità, sig. Ezechiele, ma il racconto è in qualch modo, anche lontanamente, autobiografico? La ringrazio Dott. Lupo e omaggi alla signora. Cordialmente.

Sam Spadone ha detto...

Suvvia caro Lupo non ci lasci sulle spine. Se il racconto fosse autobiografico, sarebbe ancora più apprezzabile, fermo restando che non la vorrei come vicino di casa. Osequi

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Scusate ero via,
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3) No, non me ne intendo di fotografia.
4) No. Non sono un fratricida.

Alla prossima.
Grazie.

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